The Devil in Details

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Hi Everyone!

Sorry it’s been such a long time since I last wrote in this blog.  I am going to avoid the saying “I was too busy” as that is one my biggest pet peeve’s people say is, “I’m too busy” Bullshit, If you want something enough.  You will find time to do it, and will cut the excuses.  And, the something I want out of this is of course, as mentioned, to help myself and others.  However, I did buy a new truck, and that had consumed my mind for quite a few days!  Still, nonetheless. I did fall back into a little lull, where I was just in the biggest meh sort of moods.  I remember my last entry was about momentum’s of mental illness, and I was afraid I was on the edge of falling into those lulls.  Well, I did get into a small one, and I think that had a lot to do with me putting this blog off and off.  I just kinda sat there and did nothing.  Other than buy a new unit. Haha, but really.  When you’re in these “lulls” and some are big, some are small, its tough to do anything.  You know you have these things you need to accomplish, you have your to-do lists.  But, its tough to get through those lists, cause its so easy to just lay on the couch, turn on TV, or have a nap, or play Xbox, and just say I’ll do it later.  I find when I am in my lulls, this is what I do.  Nothing off the “to-do” list gets done.  And, of course, you’re avoidant of these lulls, so the top priority on the “to-do” list should be… get the hell out of this.  But, of course, it’s so tough to see that.  Its difficult to admit this to yourself, so you continue to just lull around and go through an episode and life continues to zip right past you while you don’t seem to progress anywhere.

Then, suddenly… you wake up one day, and you feel better, or you feel something better.  Maybe something happened to help pick your head up, and its sometimes like the snap of a finger, you’ve left the lull you were in, hopeful to never go through one again.  But, struggling with depression…  Its par for the course.  You undoubtedly will.  Just try your best to minimize the opportunity to fall back into a lull, or an episode, and minimize the time you spend in that hole.  But, again, I really think the best thing to get out of these lulls, is admitting to yourself that’s where you are.. And, thats ok. Force it upon yourself to take care of things, go do something active, call someone, talk to someone, don’t continue to the things you would while in an episode. Dont put getting better off.  Whatever mechanisms of avoidance you so too choose.  Denial is not depressions friend, as much as it is an instigator, and an agitator.

Denial is something that I have lived with for so long, way too long.  And it was significantly worse after my sister passed away.  I honestly think it took 4 years before I finally started to accept that she was really gone.  I know they say it’s a typical stage of grieving.  But, for 4 years ? It can’t be.  But, almost the worst thing about denial, is that, sometimes you know your in denial, but, you accept it cause you don’t feel anything. You feel empty.  And, when you feel empty. Sometimes that’s better that feeling sad.  So, you kind of just accept that and move on.  But, it’s a trick. Its not better to feel empty at all.  It’s like taking all the feelings you think you should feel, and you cap them into a bottle.  And leave it there.  Ignore them. And I did that for about 10 years with my depression as it was, and then once I lost Jen, I threw everything and more into that bottle, and closed the lid.  I didn’t allow myself to feel anything for the longest time, and let me tell you, I could not have choosen a more terrible way to deal with things.  I think this had a lot to do with me really hitting rock bottom not long ago.  It just became way too much, and I had no more room left in my bottle, and had nowhere else to put anything.  And, I lost it.  Maybe this is what happened to Jen, I don’t know. I wish I did.  but, I know that when this happened to me, she picked me up, and kicked me in the teeth and told me to get my fucking shit together. Now. For my family, for my relationship, for my friends, and for myself and her.   I think the biggest thing she did was tell me this denial is not going to work anymore for me.  And boy, was she right.  Thus, became the creation of goneawayboys.  Somewhere to put my feelings.  Instead of in the bottle.  Out into the open they go. Where, they belong.  Where they make me feel better, and hopefully others too.  So, while I try to begin and accept my sister’s death 4 years later, and start over, grieving in the proper, more healthier, beneficial way.  I really try to watch out for that bastard that is denial.  But, every now and then, when I land into a slump, lull or episode, whatever you want too call it.  I feel that shitty little thing again.  Denial.  And, it is not only an instigator, agitator, but it is misleading and tricky too.  Like I said, you just accept it, cause in denial, you feel nothing, you feel empty.  And that is sometimes that feels better than feeling sad.  But, No. It’s not. Because, it all builds up, and builds up, and eventually.  It explodes.  And what happens then can be truly tragic and devastating.

I think this is also a factor in why people avoid talking about their depression.  Sometimes they just feel empty, and feel nothing cause they can’t admit to themselves they struggle with depression. Since society has attached such a negative connotation to the word “depression” “suicide” “bi-polar disorder“…etc.  no one wants to have it, cause they feel they are going to be judged.  So, they can’t admit it to themselves.  But, If you’re someone who struggles with the same illness I do, or something of the like.  Be honest with yourself, and let someone help you.  But, you need to help yourself understand first.  and, No. It is nothing to be ashamed of.  As I have mentioned before, It is an actually disease of the brain. It’s not something we can just “get over” or “toughen up”. It’s different.  So please, throw denial the big “eff off” and work towards getting better.

It’s damn hard, trust me. I am trying it now, and I still fall into my little lulls, and have a heck of a time getting out.. But, the best part of coming out about my depression, and my families past and tragedies, is, it allows me to feel better, it allows me to see that light everyone talks about, so I know that better is coming.  Whatever better is. Maybe its only temporary, who knows.  But, I will take temporary, over rarely.  So, I am going to work on it, and this is it, talking.  Not by taking 400 mg of wellbutrin, xanax, or zoloft or whatever other medication you’ve been told to try.  I have been struggling with depression for 10 years myself, and have been on medication for probably 7 of those years.  And, I still have depression.  Maybe I always will. Maybe it’s not something that truly ever goes away.  It’s only something you can have temporary relief from.  But, like I said. I will take temporary. But, I believe that in doing the right therapy, I will beat this.  And, its not taking the same little pill every morning after breakfast I have been taking, just because some doctor shrugged me off and wrote a prescription before he asked me hey, how do you really feel.  Nope.  Depression ? Oh, here up your wellbutrin dosage and try that young fella!  Ok. Thanks doc. You’re a real help.

Talking about it, blogging about it, making it normal conversation, getting out of denial, starting over, has been the best source of medication I have ever taken.  And, I hope you decide to join me in this remedy.  It’s difficult to get out of that denial stage, and admit to yourself that you may suffer from mental illness.  But, it’s much better when that little dosage of denial is not sitting in your pocket, feeling sad, or down is better than feeling empty.  Feeling empty is the worst thing we can do.  Denial, avoidance.  Thats the enemy.  We can’t feel that.  We need to feel.
That’s all for tonight.  I already feel much better just having wrote this entry. I am really excited for everyone to get back to reading my blog. Again, I can not stress enough how flattered I am, and honored that this has reached so many people.  It’s been amazing. I hope that everyone continues to read.  And, I will do my best to regularly write.  I am thinking about writing a tribute entry about my sister.  But, that is going to take a full day of strength, incense, and probably some atavan.  But, I think it will be good for me.  so look for that on the weekend. I will need a full day of preparation to write that.  But, I think it’s important, and everyone will get the chance to learn more about her. She was amazing, and still is as I feel her helping me through mud all the time. Today.

Also, If, I am taking awhile to put in another entry, give me a shot and tell me to get back at it. I had a couple friends kick my ass back into gear over the weekend, and get me back here.  It’s been nice.  Thanks.

Thanks again everyone.

Keep in touch. Tell someone.

-Take Care,

-Blair – goneawayboys

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The Momentums of a Mental Illness

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Good day… Good day… Good day…Bad day. 

Struggling with a mental illness can often become a life of momentum. When we have good days, we have good days, and then maybe a couple more, just like in sports.  You have a good shift, you have five or six, you win a few games, you win five or six. But, then the slightest thing can go wrong, and you over-analyze it so much, and let it consume you so much that your winning streak, or good day streak is snapped and into a slump you go.  Bad day. Loss.  And when you have one bad day, you’re instantly fearful that 5 more are coming. And as soon as that’s in your head. You’re fucked. Bad day. Bad day. Bad day. Bad day. Loss. Loss... etc.  Sometimes it’s all about momentum, and riding the highs, and trying your darnedest to escape the lows. 

After a few good days in a row, you begin to take them for granted and then like I said, a few minor things can happen, and it throws you right off your pedestal, and back to the bottom you go. Trying to work your way up.  The hardest thing for people alike that struggle with mental illness is A) Turning those bad days into good days & B) Being strong enough to have as many good days as you can, and not going back to bad.  Those are the hardest things to do.  B is nearly impossible it seems like.  You can try and get part of it done, but meanwhile, while trying to make such a conscious effort to have good days.  You feel like you’re doomed to lose.  You really are.  And that’s the mentality of people that struggle with this disease, and other associated mental health disorders.  And again, for someone reading this, who doesn’t understand you’re probably saying, oh that sounds so easy.  Well, no.  That’s exactly it. You don’t understand. Our brains don’t work the same.  We can’t just turn a switch on and say, OK, Time to do whatever and make this a good day. That’s part of the problem.  We can’t be like you and do that as hard as we try. Can’t. Or at least feel good about it in the process.

Bad days you feel empty, weak, powerless, you just feel like nothing.  And for us to snap out of it and get a sudden burst of energy and a litre of smiles and laughs. It doesn’t happen.  Unfortunately.

The other challenging part of falling back into a losing streak, if you will.  Is it is so easy to focus on that losing streak, and fear for it to continue that you forget what things were like when you were doing well, you forget how you got there.  This, right now is my attempt not to fall into this pit again.  When you fight depression, you can feel things coming, you can sometimes feel the “verge” sometimes you can feel yourself falling backwards, but it’s about trying to pick yourself back up in time, and that’s where other people may be able to do that just fine and normally, we can’t.  No matter how hard you try.  And, this is me trying right now by distracting myself, trying to talk about it, trying to remind myself why I had so many good days in a row to begin with, much of it contributed to this blog and the support i’ve recieved

Life with mental illness is honestly a marathon of momentum sometimes. You’re up. You’re down. You’re up, up, down, down.  It’s challenging for us.  It is challenging for those that deal with us every day too.  Whether thats friends, parents, co-workers, significant others… etc.  It’s not easy to be around us sometimes, at least I know for me, I can be a real challenge to be around, and I give everyone credit.  One of my favorite Matthew Good lyrics is “I’m affable, responsible, but hard to be around, It’s correctable, and they’re right you know, It’s as easy as it sounds” – A Single Explosion

And it’s true.  It is. 

We want to be treated the same as everyone else, we really do.  But, at the same time, we aren’t like everyone else.  It’s complicated.  When its a “good day” things are good, we seem to be unstoppable, at the peak of things.  But, when its a “bad day” whoa, is it bad.  Someone could say, or do the same thing to me on a good day, as a bad day and I probably won’t even notice.  But, on a bad day. I’ll think about it all day, over-analyze it and let it drag me down. Whether its saying something, or an action, or just something happened.  It doesn’t matter.   Something as simple as someone cutting you off on the highway.  On a good day, you brush it off.  On a bad day. It eats away at you all day, and you somehow over-analyze it so bad that it’s eventually you’re own fault that it happened. 

So as much as we want to be treated the same, and deserve to be treated the same.  We aren’t the same. That’s where the challenging part of being around us comes.  We are entirely different than those who don’t struggle with mental health.  That’s why education, and knowledge becomes so crucial for everyone whether you understand this war or you don’t.  If you know someone that struggles with depression, bi-polar, ptsd or anything of the like.  Even if you “think” you understand it.  If you haven’t lived it. You don’t.  Take it upon yourself to learn more, read books, talk to people…etc.  Because, sometimes its the people that don’t “understand” but do, that make the difference.  If that made any sense at all.  I really recommend talking to people if you know of anyone that is/had gone through this.  Books can be great and all, and you’ll learn something more, but it’s never quite as intaking as actually conversing with someone who has been there.  You could read 1000 books, but you’ll learn more by talking to 1 person.  But, the efforts will go a long way. In both our lives. 

I think this also goes back to the importance of people speaking up about their fight with this illness.  We can’t expect our counterparts to be knowledgeable and understanding, if we can’t find it in ourselves to tell them what we live with.  We can’t expect them to just know.  Because, people that struggle with depression have about 200 masks and do a tremendous job of hiding their struggles.  But, we need to take those masks off, and allow others the opportunity to become educated, and to understand so that they can help us get back to having good days.  And let them help.  Cause’ they will if we let them. 

But, sometimes, that’s one of the hardest parts, and that’s what we need to work together on making easier.  Letting others know, letting others learn, and letting others help

 

That’s my piece for this Sunday. 

I’ve never wrote at this time. Usually its a 9pm weekday thing. But, today changed it up. I hope this still can be an enjoyable read and will stir up some thought and emotion for you all!

Enjoy. 

Again, I also wanted to thank everyone who has been reading, and those that have been contacting me, it has truly been a blessing to be able to talk to some of you. I am truly honored. 

 

Love

– Blair Courchene

 

Fun & Active – Someone with depressions dream

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Up again, down again, out of your head.

Happy friday kids!

I’m happy to be back here writing. I gotta get some consistency going again.  I went to the Edson Slo-Pitch tournament last weekend with the boys.  And, if you have ever been to Edson, you’ll understand quite quickly why it took me so long to get it going again.  We left Edson monday at about 9 am. It took me till yesterday at noon till get back to feeling normal.  Whatever normal is for me.  But, physically, you know.

Edson Slo-Pitch is this massive tournament of 270+ teams.  Goes Fri-Mon – We usually show up thurs night to get the extra night in.  But, you camp in a field where your neighbours are maybe 6 inches to your other side. Its tight. We have a big 13 man tent where we throw about 8 of us to pass out.  Its quite funnny too see actually.  Just an assembly line of bodies.  Then, once you’ve gone to bed at probably 5 am after going to the “Hangar” (absolutely massive beer gardens) You’re up at 730 am to play ball, or to listen to everyone else getting up to play. And once you’re up. You’re up. Its hot out. And there’s 200 cold bud lights ready for work. so its on. Early.

Its easily the best weekend of the year, but its easily the biggest challenge, physically.  You have to be prepared for the toll you’re body takes.  And, like I said. Just now I am getting straightened away. Anyway, If you ever have the chance.  Check Edson out. Its a blast.

I am going to try something slightly different today, a little different pace.  After a pretty chill day at work today, came home, made myself a nice dinner; salmon and potatoes…. Unreal right!   But, I cheat. Big time. I bought salmon from Superstore that is already flavored, and already on the plank. So you throw it on the BBQ.  Haha. And potatoes, We got this “potatoe mitt” from Hawaii.  It looks like an oven mitt basically, and you cut little holes in your tate’s and then chuck them in this “mitt” throw it in the microwave and nuke the little suckers for about 7 minutes. So, no, my salmon dinner wasn’t amazing as you first thought. Haha, but for my standards. It was unreal.

I can’t cook worth a shit. literally. I can not cook. On the other hand, I have never really made a completely honest effort out of it either. I just don’t have the patience to do it. And, I think explaining the meal I just had today is evidence to that.  Whatever. I took the stuff out of the fridge/freezer and 20 minutes later was dummying it.  So take your extra half hour for a little more authenticity. Nah. I’ll take the extra half hour I saved, and write in my blog!

Next thing will be paper plates at home. Not kidding. Frig, I hate emptying that damn dishwasher.  I used to run it about 2 or 3 times before I’d empty it, and I’d make sure I ran it the second time when I knew I wasn’t going to be home for awhile, so depending on where I lived. My parents, roommates or girlfriend would do it.  Haha. If this is any of the people I listed that are reading this. You’re going Ah Ha! You little bastard.  The rest of you are thinking, wow.  Genius. And you’ll do it this week. Guaranteed.  But, be stealth.

Next thing I did today was rip over to buddies and grab my xbox controllers and the tiger woods game.  I thought I would do some gaming today, and buddies gone for the weekend so might as well get my stuff back and its the last night of me living bachelor life as the old lady gets home tomorrow.  But, on my way over there, I saw all these people riding there bikes with families, friends, etc and it just looked awesome. Smiles as wide as the street these kids had, parents too.  “Fun & active”.  A kid with depressions dream.  So, once I went to buddies, grabbed my gaming gear and headed home, I saw more of the same. Fun & Active. A depressive kids dream. And more of it. And as I got back into my community. More of it. Fun & Active. A depressive kids dream.  I parked underground, went upstairs, threw the stuff on the coffee table, and thought.. you know what.  No.  I’m not doing this. As much as I enjoy gaming, and so too does everyone. It’s different for me. It’s an avoidance mechanism.  Some people that struggle with depression, sleep all the time, some drink, do drugs, or whatever. Me, I game. And, I don’t even really enjoy it. I feel like such a slob after doing it and not having moved except to grab chips, or a beer. It’s fun gaming with buddies and stuff, that’s different.  But, for me to lay into 10 rounds of PGA Tour, not move, not talk to anyone. It’s me avoiding my problems. Sounds crazy. But that’s what I’d do. Sure, I could be doing worse things, like sleeping, drinking, having sex a million times, partying, whatever the hell else you can do so excessively its damaging, which pretty well anything. But, its the concept of it. I do it to avoid things, and not have to face reality.  Thus, in my self-realization week not long ago, around the birth of this blog. I promised not to do that to myself anymore.

BACK TO THE STORY.  I looked on the deck, and saw this beautiful red “Specialized RockHopper Comp” mountain bike I purchased about 2 months ago…  for a thousand dollars. Yikes.  The first 10 days I had that bike, I rode it 15 times. I felt unreal. Fun & Active. I was doing it. Living the dream. Then, I just stopped for 6 weeks. I think part of it was work got busy, but a lot of it was me making excuses for myself, “ohh im tired” and I’d game, or do whatever and just feel shitty and be down.  So today. I saw that thing, and said fuck it.  I am doing what those kids were doing that I saw on my way. But, its more than just ripping a bike for me. for anyone that knows how I feel.  I truly think it was Jen saying to me.. Hey kid, heres a test. I know what you’re doing, but look what you could be doing.  Do the right thing.  Make yourself better.  Depressed & Lazy V. Fun & Active.  I really think it was her kicking me in the ass again. So I proceeded to take the old Ferrari for a spin.  Thew on the iPod and just went.  And, what an enjoyable time.  For any of you that struggle with depression, you know that being active is one of the most important things for us.  It’s great for the mind, and body just to try and have an active lifestyle.  But, at the same time, when you’re struggling with depression.  It’s so hard to get yourself to do these “active lifestyle” things.  You always feel like the tank is empty, you have no energy. None. So you really have to work yourself up to do things sometimes, and I think that’s when you get yourself in trouble, and it makes it all the more difficult to enjoy it.  You’ve worked yourself up so much to go for a run, or play football, bike ride, whatever it is.  That when its over, its like “meh whatever, wasn’t great” and you won’t do it again, cause it took so much of you to just find some energy.

Well, I am trying to change that for myself. Trying damn hard.  I live in probably one of the most beautiful communities in the entire city of Calgary in Discovery Ridge.  Hell, nevermind. One of the most beautiful in Alberta I’d say….   Wait, well, If its one of the most beautiful in Calgary, clearly it is in Alberta cause I can’t imagine much better in Edmonton, Ft. Mac, GP, Lethbridge… Etc.  (kidding edmonton friends, that was for you)  But, seriously.  There’s so much greenery, parks, and trails, and just seemingly happy folk. If anyone has ever been through Discovery Ridge. You know what I am talking about.  It’s unbelievable here.

Right behind our house is Griffith Woods Park, which is astounding, filled with multiple bike/walking trails weaving through the woods, with little creeks and running waters.  It’s gorgeous. Have I said that yet ?  So going for a bike ride in this place is truly breathtaking, and it speaks to the shape I was in to not be able to go for a bike ride for 6 weeks. Cause, I didn’t touch that bike once in 6 weeks. When you’re struggling with depression, it’s just hard to do these things. so hard.

Off I went through discovery ridge on my Ferrari, through Griffith woods, which, sometimes can be quite frightening.  There’s so many people walking, running, biking, rollerblading, whatever through there and the paths aren’t highway sized paved roads, through these trees, if even paved. There are a lot of sharp, immediate corners that you need to be careful about.  So that proposes one hazard, before you run someone over.

Second hazard, is there are cougars everywhere, all the time… Yes, even the fuzzy cat-like kind.  So you have to watch for both of those!  Today I was riding, and in the woods ahead, I saw the golden thing, and of course, I am always thinking I am gonna see a cougar…(cat kind) so here’s this golden figure, I see. But, I am far away, so for all I know it could be a broken off tree base.  I get closer, the fucking thing moves! OMG I am shitting myself. I have finally seen this damn cougar! I instantly hammer the brakes, look for my phone… too take a picture haha.  realize, shit I left my phone at the condo.  No one is gonna believe this!  So I said screw it. I am gonna fly by this thing. I gotta see it.  So, I zoom by…….  It’s some damn golden retriever playing fetch with his/her owner.  Are you kidding me.  My heart is racing 9,000,000 beats per minute for Air Bud?  Come on.  One day, I will see the cougar.

Anyways.  It was nice to get out and enjoy the fresh air, and be active again.  The last 7 weeks I have been so up and down.  And when I was down, boy was I down.  But, now I am starting to feel better, and I think today was evidence of that.  I took the ferrari out, and enjoyed myself. I was able to enjoy “Fun & Active“, and like I said, that’s a mental heath-struggling kids dream.  And, even if it were something as simple as a hour long bike ride.  when you struggle with your brain like I do, and lot more of us.  You’ll understand.  Thats a lot. Its part of this start to “better-hood”

Tonight… Was a good night.

Thank you everyone!

Hope you enjoyed this read. I know it was a little different, and I hope you still read its entirety and had some smiles. And, if you’re ever through discovery ridge, let me know and we’ll go for one of those serene bike rides and hunt these cougars.  Either kind!

-Have a good weekend folks

Blair

“Ain’t it good to be back home” MG

We carry on… Like its easy. A Better, Happier.

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Hello everyone!

I am so happy to be here writing again after the long weekend.  It feels like I haven’t written in this blog in ages, when its only been since Thursday, but, its brought me so much joy lately, it was tough to not write for a few days.  Speaking of such, Thank you so much again to everyone for the support. It really has been overwhelming the amount of support goneawayboys has received.  You guys have made it so much easier for me to continue to come forward about my struggle with mental illness.  Every entry I have wrote has been very well received. I have received messages from people that i am close with, people I don’t even know, and people that I have lost touch with just thanking me for what I am doing, and as well making me their “1 person” which, is what I asked for everyone to do last week.  If you struggle with mental illness, tell one person.  I was truly flattered to be that person for some people.  Thank you.  And, I hope that it made you feel better, and made you feel lighter. 

 

So, to add to that, how did everyone’s long weekend go ? I hope that it was safe and enjoyable for all, and that you guys were all able to tell 1 person about your fight. I know that I told a few more people about mine, and again the reaction was as I hoped. Fine. No big shock. No OMG. Which, I hope is what you received too. 

 

Well, to get this entry going. Last week I went and saw a psychic in Calgary; Patricia Monna.  I have never been a believer in this type of stuff, and have always kinda laughed it off, or shrugged it off.  My mom has gone and my girlfriend have both gone andhave said how it was such an enjoyable experience, but very emotional.  Which, is likely why I have avoided it my entire life.  I have always been such a “Black/White-Is/Isn’t” kind of person,  and have done my best to avoid any emotional confrontation, as I have always tried to put up the berlin wall around me. 

However, in the last week or so, I have decided that, that way of living was enough and wasn’t winning me this fight at all as much as it was compiling more and to the depression.  So, after Amanda went last week, I decided that it would be time to go, and face this possible emotional monster.  I really just wanted to go and talk about my sister as much as I could.  Which, is something I have bottled up and avoided for so long. 

Wow, What an experience this was.  Patricia was amazing, She was very sympathetic, and caring, while very blunt talking about some things, and there is no way I would have rather had it.  Nothing drives me nuts more than people that beat around the bush.  I think that is something I have acquired only recently, I call things how they are, and just don’t see a reason to sugar coat it. Goes back to my Black/White Is/Isn’t mentality.  And, I feel like I have been through enough, that I realize life isn’t a perfect dream anymore, don’t try and tell me it is.  It’s hard. Real hard.  I think some people enjoy this about me… Others, mm Not so much. 

Anyways, Patricia talked lots about my sister, and how she was doing now, and things that she was communicating.  The weirdest thing was when she told me that my mom just visited her. Well, my mom was in victoria (where Jen is buried) a few days before.  Patricia also mentioned how Jen spends a lot of time watching us so closely, myself, my family, and her daughter; Abbey.  And, there are times that I have really felt it, or noticed that she’s been there.  Well, You can well imagine I was nearly on the floor in tears at this point, but it was almost, I don’t know the word…  Eurphoric hearing this, maybe.  It was like, for the first time in 4 years.  Jen and I were able to have a conversation, through this person…this angel that brought us back together.  For the first time in, ever. I knew my sister was okay, and at peace.  Which, there is nothing in this world that I would want more.  And again, remember. I am a 23 year old jock.  to be blunt.  I see things for how they are and that is it. But, this experience was something amazing, and believe in stuff like this or not. I think it was what I needed.  After leaving “Angels of Our Well-Being” I felt… Awesome, I felt better.  One thing that has been eating away at me forever, and something everyday… Is whether Jen is at peace now. I feel like I know the answer, she told me herself she was. 

Now you’re probably thinking I am completely nuts right now, and I have way gone and lost it.  But, I guess maybe you just don’t understand what it’s like. I don’t know how to explain it really.  But, like I said, for one hour, I left the big tough guy mask at home, opened up the bottle I stuff everything into, and I came out feeling fantastic. Really.  It was extremely therapeutic. 

One of the biggest challenges in dealing with depression, is you never really know if tomorrow is gonna be good, or if tomorrow is gonna be bad.  or, if next week, month, year, whatever. You never know..  Its so hard to get excited for things, it so hard to see that things might, or will get better, and while they may. You can’t find yourself being optimistic, and excited. No matter how hard you try, and whats around the corner. Its exhausting.  While, there are certain things you can enjoy, and you do enjoy.  It’s still exhausting getting there, it feels like its such a journey to get to a point of happiness, even if its for a short while.  Truly laughing, and truly smiling is sometimes like winning the lottery. Or at least I think. I haven’t won the lottery.. (yet) But, when I left Patricia, I felt like everything was going to be okay, whether from our discussions about my sister, my family or my future.  I felt like we’re alright here. After she told me Jen was very worried about me, and knows that right now I feel like she did, but I couldn’t because I have so much left to do here.  So, Jen was kicking my ass to get better, and this blog was part of it.  I really think I am getting there.  Even though its only been a little over a week since I felt like I was at rock bottom. I feel like I have my sister on my shoulders, and I am getting better.  And, I think it took this psychic meeting to really, truly see that.  It was like someone re-assuring me that things were going to be okay.  And, as much as I can tell myself that, when you’re struggling with depression, you can tell yourself a hundred times, things will get better. But, you just cant get there. Or at least it seems.  But, Now I think we’re heading there.  And, I have a lot of people to thank for that.  My family. My sister. My girlfriend. My friends. My blog, and everyone that has supported it, and as well the strength and courage that it took for me to quit avoiding this, and to make an honest, open effort at beating depression, not only for myself, but to help others as well.  And, that with this blog, my readings, my strong support system. This life seems like it might be a little more clairvoyant. And when you’re in my shoes. Clairvoyance is Bliss.

Thank you again all for reading, I think in the next few days, I am going to try and write a few blogs about some other topics and try my hand at that, maybe sports, music, the olympics, calgary… Or whatever comes to my mind.  This blogging process is weird.  I usually start around the same time 830-9.  Light some candles, inscence, grab a Matt Good CD, crack a beer and I write. I never really do have a plan when I start to write. I know kind what I want to say. But, as I write, new thoughts start going crazy, and I go where I totally didn’t expect.  I have always kind of wrote like that.  I can attribute my poor mechanics to a lack of organization and planning.  Good thing my mom is an english teacher.  Ha.  Woops.

Anyways, Thank you again to everyone. I really hope this blog reaches more and more people each time.  And again.  If you’re out there struggling with depression, or another mental illness.  Tell someone. Please. 

 

Thanks!

 

Much Love,

Blair

 

Hello again!

First off, I wanted to start tonight’s blog by thanking everyone again that read my last few entries, and especially the people that have reached out to me about the blog.  You’re kindness, and overpouring support is graciously appreciated.  Thank you all. I really just hope you continue to read!

It’s nice to know, that not only am I doing this blog to medicate myself,  I am reaching out to others as well.  I really hope that this blog helps you, and I really hope that it helps you in coming forward about your struggles too.  Hell, feel free to fire me a message, text or whatever other million possible ways there are to contact a person these days and we can just chat about it.

My goal, by the time I leave this world, is too see mental illness in the same conversation as any other illness.  A normal, non judged conversation.  Because, whether you agree with me or not.  It is a illness.  Its an illness in the  brain.  If you don’t agree with this, well, I am sorry, but you’re flat out wrong.  Depression is often times a result of chemical imbalances in the brain, generally monoamine levels;  Whether that’s serotonin, norepinephrine, or dopamine.  You choose. It took me 8 minutes just to spell those words.  Norepinephrine was the easiest one.  NORE-PINE-PHRINE.  nore pine phrine.  Perfect! Easssssy!

Haha. Anywho, yes. So, we have learned that there is actually a scientific explanation for depression, and without me explaining any further, just google it. Please, cause I should still be in science 7.  Now of course, there are all kinds of contributors for this imbalance in the brain.  Just like, there are all kinds of causes, or things that can give you other illnesses… Unprotected sex, smoking, drinking, drugs…etc, and genetics of course, as almost always.   So, if we can talk about the diseases and illnesses that are a result of the formers, why the hell can’t we talk about an illness that is a result of a loss loved one, a major change in lifestyle; perhaps a job, divorce, new child, PTSD from an accident, or a traumatic event.  Why the hell is this so different! I don’t get it! I truly don’t.  If someone can get back to me with a legitimate reason as to why mental illness is so much different than all the rest, other than its chemical explanations. I’d love to hear it… Then, I’d love to sucker you right where your shitty argument came from.  I am sorry, if I am being offensive, or insensitive.  I sympathize for anyone that has gone through any treatment, of any disease.  Wait, that’s another commonality.  You have pneumonia, aids, cancer…etc.  You get treatment.  Hey!  You can too with depression.  So we have described various commonalities between mental illness, and the rest, yet, we still can’t talk about it.  I am extremely sympathetic to those with other illness, I am.  My girlfriend had her own battle with leukemia, and thankfully, was the winnnnnnnner! and many members of her family have had the same struggle, so  It’s not like I am in depressions corner with its jersey on cheering for it.  No. Fuck no. But, I get frustrated because it is so hush-hush, and it just should not be.  No one is going to call you, leave flowers at your door, because you’re depressed.  It’s not going to happen.  Or at least, it hasn’t happened to me yet…….  Hold on…. Let me go check the door for some baking.

Mmmmm…. Nope.

Its really too bad, it is, because I know that if we all worked together to talk about this the way we talk about so and so when they get, whatever it is they get.  I think that we would be taking significant step towards in mental health treatment.  Part of the problem, is everyone for embarrassed to tell someone, they’re embarrassed to get help, they can’t tell their spouse, gf/bf so their relationship struggles, they can’t tell their kids, so then little Johnny wonders why daddy is in bed sleeping all day when its plus 30 and all his other friends are playing catch with their fathers in the sun.  Their embarrassed to tell their employees in fear they will lose their job, or be judged.  Their afraid to tell their best friends cause they think they wont get it, or they’ll be soft, or whatever shitty chirp you’ll get, so their friendships suffer.  I could go on and on.

And you know what.  I am sick of it.

I’ve told my girlfriend I struggle with depression.

I’ve told my family.

Pretty sure all my friends know if they didn’t already know before this blog.

I even told my co-workers I fight it everyday, including my bosses.

…Guess what.  They all get it. They’ve been fine. They’ve treated me just fine. Just as it was.

Why did it take me 23 years to get to this point. To be able to freely talk about….

It would be so much easier if we could just all understand this monster, and we could all just talk about, help each other understand it, whether we have depression or not.  Not everyone is affected by this. I have never had cancer, so I can’t understand the pain and experience that Amanda went through, nor will I ever try.  But, I do understand what “cancer” is, and I will listen, comprehend and be there for her as best I possibly can.  Likewise, I don’t expect her to completely understand what I am going through, because she maybe hasn’t experienced it. But, I certainly expect her to treat me the same as she did, regardless of how I feel.  And, I want her and everyone to just be knowledgeable about mental health, help yourself understand.

And, thats what everyone else in this world needs to do.  Because, truth be told.  We live in a real shitty world right now. We do. And, it isn’t right. There are so many people, so many resources that there is no excuse for this. There just isn’t.  The solution is simple, we need to talk, we need to be knowledgeable, we need to help each other understand.  How we do this. Its up to us.

So please. Start now. Start tonight.

If you read this, and you struggle with mental illness.  I want you to tell 1 person that you are in this war.  1 person. I don’t care who it is.  Hell, tell me even! I don’t care. Tell your sibling, parent, friend, co worker, or a complete fucking stranger. Tell someone.  and, I tell ya what.  I can almost guarantee you that they will be fine with it. There will be no jumbo shock reaction. LYKE OMG U WHAT! No. If they are grown up, civilized individual and in this society with the rest of us.  They’ll be fine.  And, let me tell you. You will feel so much better.

Since I started this blog… 3 days ago? I have had 2 good days… In a row. Thats been rare lately.  And, I’ve had no real reason to have these good days. I was up early for work, and home late. Both days. Usually good days are accompanied by friends, family or something. But, nope. Home alone, just me and work.  But, its simply because I am telling people.  200 people have read this blog.  200 people know I struggle with depression. And, thats what I want. The more, the better.

So, Please.  Lets talk.  Now.

This is how we are going to make this place better.

-Thank you all again so much for the support. It truly means the world to me!

Have a great long weekend, and I will likely chat with you again on Tuesday!

Be safe. And, remember.  Tell someone. 1 person. Please.

-Blair

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