I am so happy to be here writing again after the long weekend. It feels like I haven’t written in this blog in ages, when its only been since Thursday, but, its brought me so much joy lately, it was tough to not write for a few days. Speaking of such, Thank you so much again to everyone for the support. It really has been overwhelming the amount of support goneawayboys has received. You guys have made it so much easier for me to continue to come forward about my struggle with mental illness. Every entry I have wrote has been very well received. I have received messages from people that i am close with, people I don’t even know, and people that I have lost touch with just thanking me for what I am doing, and as well making me their “1 person” which, is what I asked for everyone to do last week. If you struggle with mental illness, tell one person. I was truly flattered to be that person for some people. Thank you. And, I hope that it made you feel better, and made you feel lighter.
So, to add to that, how did everyone’s long weekend go ? I hope that it was safe and enjoyable for all, and that you guys were all able to tell 1 person about your fight. I know that I told a few more people about mine, and again the reaction was as I hoped. Fine. No big shock. No OMG. Which, I hope is what you received too.
Well, to get this entry going. Last week I went and saw a psychic in Calgary; Patricia Monna. I have never been a believer in this type of stuff, and have always kinda laughed it off, or shrugged it off. My mom has gone and my girlfriend have both gone andhave said how it was such an enjoyable experience, but very emotional. Which, is likely why I have avoided it my entire life. I have always been such a “Black/White-Is/Isn’t” kind of person, and have done my best to avoid any emotional confrontation, as I have always tried to put up the berlin wall around me.
However, in the last week or so, I have decided that, that way of living was enough and wasn’t winning me this fight at all as much as it was compiling more and to the depression. So, after Amanda went last week, I decided that it would be time to go, and face this possible emotional monster. I really just wanted to go and talk about my sister as much as I could. Which, is something I have bottled up and avoided for so long.
Wow, What an experience this was. Patricia was amazing, She was very sympathetic, and caring, while very blunt talking about some things, and there is no way I would have rather had it. Nothing drives me nuts more than people that beat around the bush. I think that is something I have acquired only recently, I call things how they are, and just don’t see a reason to sugar coat it. Goes back to my Black/White Is/Isn’t mentality. And, I feel like I have been through enough, that I realize life isn’t a perfect dream anymore, don’t try and tell me it is. It’s hard. Real hard. I think some people enjoy this about me… Others, mm Not so much.
Anyways, Patricia talked lots about my sister, and how she was doing now, and things that she was communicating. The weirdest thing was when she told me that my mom just visited her. Well, my mom was in victoria (where Jen is buried) a few days before. Patricia also mentioned how Jen spends a lot of time watching us so closely, myself, my family, and her daughter; Abbey. And, there are times that I have really felt it, or noticed that she’s been there. Well, You can well imagine I was nearly on the floor in tears at this point, but it was almost, I don’t know the word… Eurphoric hearing this, maybe. It was like, for the first time in 4 years. Jen and I were able to have a conversation, through this person…this angel that brought us back together. For the first time in, ever. I knew my sister was okay, and at peace. Which, there is nothing in this world that I would want more. And again, remember. I am a 23 year old jock. to be blunt. I see things for how they are and that is it. But, this experience was something amazing, and believe in stuff like this or not. I think it was what I needed. After leaving “Angels of Our Well-Being” I felt… Awesome, I felt better. One thing that has been eating away at me forever, and something everyday… Is whether Jen is at peace now. I feel like I know the answer, she told me herself she was.
Now you’re probably thinking I am completely nuts right now, and I have way gone and lost it. But, I guess maybe you just don’t understand what it’s like. I don’t know how to explain it really. But, like I said, for one hour, I left the big tough guy mask at home, opened up the bottle I stuff everything into, and I came out feeling fantastic. Really. It was extremely therapeutic.
One of the biggest challenges in dealing with depression, is you never really know if tomorrow is gonna be good, or if tomorrow is gonna be bad. or, if next week, month, year, whatever. You never know.. Its so hard to get excited for things, it so hard to see that things might, or will get better, and while they may. You can’t find yourself being optimistic, and excited. No matter how hard you try, and whats around the corner. Its exhausting. While, there are certain things you can enjoy, and you do enjoy. It’s still exhausting getting there, it feels like its such a journey to get to a point of happiness, even if its for a short while. Truly laughing, and truly smiling is sometimes like winning the lottery. Or at least I think. I haven’t won the lottery.. (yet) But, when I left Patricia, I felt like everything was going to be okay, whether from our discussions about my sister, my family or my future. I felt like we’re alright here. After she told me Jen was very worried about me, and knows that right now I feel like she did, but I couldn’t because I have so much left to do here. So, Jen was kicking my ass to get better, and this blog was part of it. I really think I am getting there. Even though its only been a little over a week since I felt like I was at rock bottom. I feel like I have my sister on my shoulders, and I am getting better. And, I think it took this psychic meeting to really, truly see that. It was like someone re-assuring me that things were going to be okay. And, as much as I can tell myself that, when you’re struggling with depression, you can tell yourself a hundred times, things will get better. But, you just cant get there. Or at least it seems. But, Now I think we’re heading there. And, I have a lot of people to thank for that. My family. My sister. My girlfriend. My friends. My blog, and everyone that has supported it, and as well the strength and courage that it took for me to quit avoiding this, and to make an honest, open effort at beating depression, not only for myself, but to help others as well. And, that with this blog, my readings, my strong support system. This life seems like it might be a little more clairvoyant. And when you’re in my shoes. Clairvoyance is Bliss.
Thank you again all for reading, I think in the next few days, I am going to try and write a few blogs about some other topics and try my hand at that, maybe sports, music, the olympics, calgary… Or whatever comes to my mind. This blogging process is weird. I usually start around the same time 830-9. Light some candles, inscence, grab a Matt Good CD, crack a beer and I write. I never really do have a plan when I start to write. I know kind what I want to say. But, as I write, new thoughts start going crazy, and I go where I totally didn’t expect. I have always kind of wrote like that. I can attribute my poor mechanics to a lack of organization and planning. Good thing my mom is an english teacher. Ha. Woops.
Anyways, Thank you again to everyone. I really hope this blog reaches more and more people each time. And again. If you’re out there struggling with depression, or another mental illness. Tell someone. Please.