I don’t know what it is lately, but the best company is myself, alone. Which is ironic cause I know right now I am not my best self. I don’t know what that even really looks like actually, good question… what does my best self look like. Personally. I don’t know. Does anyone?
It’s been awhile since I wrote in this blog… It’s been months, I don’t know why. I want to say the reason is because I have been so much better… I have conquered my depression, I am happy now. I am O.K. But, in being completely honest to my self now. That’d be horribly false. It was a hectic month of March. Hockey ended and I left my old job, thankfully and started a new one. Which has been absolutely amazing. The people at the new job have been nothing short of phenomenal; the job itself has been much the same. So that’s been a significant change…for the better. It’s been a big change, especially mood wise. I am happy with my new job. I am happy at work… And, while I am happier, when I am happy, that down, empty, withdrawn emotion has not really left. As people who also suffer from depression can attest too, we can make these changes, like a new job for example and we can be happier when we are happy, but we can still be depressed, and still be down, empty, or sad. And, I still am. It sometimes can create a challenge, in that it’s misleading. Sometimes, including the entire month of March, and more so beginning of this month, I’d think I am doing great… because, I am happier when I am happy, but, I am still going through these lows, and lulls but its easier to waiver them because, the highs are high. Which, in the moment seems like all we need.
Do I think I’ve been doing better? Yes. I do. But, am I 100% removed of my illness? No, and I don’t know that I will ever be. There are days where I have accepted that, and then days where I am afraid of that. Days where I don’t think I’ll ever make it to see if I can ever rid myself of this illness. Then some days, most days, the thought is… It’s ok. I can manage it, I am happy right now…. Those are the thoughts when I am doing ok…. Which, is for the most part, more then I am sad, down or empty. Which… right now, that’s how I keep score in this battle, and the winner is frequently changing. No one can keep a damn lead.
Part of the problem I think of late has been that it’s that difficult time of the year for myself, and my family. It’s nearing May 7th… May 7th will be the 5-year anniversary of my sister passing away. Every year, it seems that a few weeks leading up to this day is extremely difficult. As my mom put it today… It’s the “pre-anniversary depression” And, that’s exactly what it is. I’ve slowly started to notice it take over. Daily, I think about May 7th. I think about the May 7th five years ago, and I think about the May 7th coming up in 3 weeks. I am afraid of it. I am nervous. I just have no idea what to expect from myself. Every year it’s the same thing. Am I going to be ok? Am I going to be sad? Am I going to miss it? Am I going to do things the right way? Am I?… Am I?… Am I?… I just work myself up so much for the day, overthinking and overanalyzing just about everything. I try to just let it be another day. But, it’s not. So how can I. How can I even bother pretending, and I just hate that suggestion. There have been years in the past where May 7th seemed like a manageable day itself, and when it’s over I’m almost relieved… but feeling slightly guilty because I thought it was maybe easier then it should have been? Then, there have been some years where May 7th is a completely overbearing and emotionally fucking exhausting day. What I fear the most is I don’t know which one of these two days it’s going to be. And, I think about it. Hourly, making the lead up to May 7th… almost worse then the actual day itself. Last year, it was manageable because I was able to avoid the build up. One day I was Venice, then I was in Bari, then I was in Corfu, then Santorini, then Katakolon, then Kusadasi, then Zurich… Avoiding the lead up to May 7th was a breeze. The actual day itself, I remember it still being difficult. I was in Zurich. I was my other self. Quiet. Empty. Withdrawn. But nothing out of what is normal for me. I was still Ok. I think. It’s easy to look back and say that now. But, I was in Europe. I was with people. For some reason, on that day, alike the others I almost always want to be alone. Which, in turn is likely the worst idea possible. I feel like, because it’s such a challenging day for me, I don’t want to bring other people into my misery. Into my world. But, I think that’s exactly what I need is to lean on my support group of friends, and family that day… At least that’s what they tell me anyways. But for me, I feel as though, as much as I maybe wish it to be “just another day” for me like it is for all else, it just isn’t and I shouldn’t nuance someone else to become involved. I can remember in previous years though, it’s almost like I’ve been upset, or annoyed at people not knowing that it’s May 7th. And, what that means for me. I have a hard time remembering that IT IS just another day for everyone else. Why should they act, or say something differently to me… and if they did act differently, I’d probably hate that equally as much, if not more!
It’s just like, as I’ve wrote about before… When my sister passed away and I thought the world would stop. I thought it did. It certainly did for me…But, people still walked and got the mail, they still cut their grass and they still took their dogs for walks. I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t seem right. That’s almost how I feel about every May 7th now. The world stops for me. It’s almost as if it should stop entirely. People will still go to work, they will still walk their dogs and get the mail and in 3 weeks that will astound me. It’s doesn’t emotionally make sense for me!
Nonetheless, this year, right now. I am no question deep into the “pre-anniversary depression” There is no doubt it is hitting me hard right now. I won’t deny that. That’s what started this entire blog, was not denying my depression… right! … And, to be honest, I have been denying it to myself the last few weeks. But, right now… given the extenuating mental, and emotional circumstances… I’d be lying to that self to say I am at my best right now, and don’t take it personally, or to heart if I come across a tad withdrawn… It’s just that season for me. It’s a challenging time.
It’s coming on five years, and I feel like it’s just the other day Jen & I were with mom on Whyte Ave at O’Byrnes in Edmonton enjoying a Stella. I can remember even the exact spot I had parked my car. I can remember what everyone was wearing…
This would be the last time I ever enjoyed a beer with my sister. It felt like it was last weekend.
I miss her. And days like these, and weeks coming… I think about her more then ever, and more then anything…and in part I work myself up more then is healthy.
… Bare with me