The world’s stopping but we keep going
And we’re ruthless and we’re cunning
And I’m heir to it all
Days like these you’ve gotta find it in some other way
It’s all or nothing baby
Avalanche, start inside of me
Avalanche, down through the trees
Avalanche, start inside of me
Avalanche, hell down through the trees
– Matthew Good –
The day that I have feared for… well, since last May 7th, has arrived. But, in particular the day that I have loathed for the last few weeks. 5 years since Jen found peace. It’s been a weird few weeks. Last time I wrote in this blog, I wasn’t doing well. Whatsoever. It didn’t look like I was going to make it this far to be completely honest. It’s almost like completing a marathon when you do actually get here. It feels like a mental accomplishment, you’re relieved and you’re exhausted. But, in the days and week following when I last wrote in the blog, things got better. Much better. I felt true happiness, for the first time in a long time. I felt a lot of things I never have before. Things I didn’t know were possible for me to even feel again, as I was quite sure I had gone completely numb. It was weird. It was like Jen knew where I was and just reinstalled all these emotions and feelings back into me. Everything that I was pretty sure I had become incapable of. Making me feel like a human again. I think she knew there was no way I was going to get through the next few weeks on my own. She was probably right. Just the people that have been put into my life, the opportunities I’ve had, and the good friends and family I have been able to spend some time with over the last few weeks that have really helped me get to here in one piece. Even if it were just for a short while, it was a longing impact. I’m quite sure all of it was her lending yet another hand to push me through another difficult time. The playoffs & weather don’t hurt either. Thanks Jen. Can you help MA Fleury make a save now, please? Haha.
I’ve spent the last few weeks gearing up for May 7th, and now that we’ve arrived to this day. It’s… kind of a bittersweet day. There is nothing sweet about it. But, you’ve thought about this very day for the last 30, and you’ve made it. Like I said, it’s as if I just finished a marathon of sorts. An emotional marathon, if you will. But now what? Well, if I ever can shut my brain off and go to sleep… I am going to drive to Edmonton to spend time with my mom, and some other friends and family and just have a few Stella beers, and celebrate a life that was of Jennifer’s. It’s been 5 years. And that’s not to say it’s time to get over it. Because I never will, but the last 5 years I’ve been miserable, and have been completely sad on the couple weeks leading up to, and May 7th and the day itself. But, this year… I wanted to try something different, gather a group of people and head to the pub where I last had a beer with my mom and Jen, and just enjoy the day. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy the company. Enjoy the memories, and just enjoy Jen’s legacy. Last time I was at O’Byrnes, it was my mom, Jen and myself crushing beers in the sun. I am ready to do the same tomorrow, with the same 2 people and the rest of our supporting cast.
I am fearful, and nervous that I won’t be able to handle this tomorrow, and that it will be a heartbreaking experience. And, I am sure it will. But, its time we do what Jen would want on May 7th. Celebrate her life. Stop crying, stop lamenting and just have a fucking beer with her.
Plus, I owe her one after she helped get me to this day.
See you at O’Byrnes @ 2:00 pm Jen!
– Cheers –