DEPRESSED people live in the PAST
PEACEFUL people live in the PRESENT
– LAO TZU
Sure hope life has been treating you well in the last handful of weeks. Last time we spoke via goneawayboy, I dug into Ayn Rand’s – “John Galt Speech” piece. I’ve never really re-read the blog entry subjectively, but I know that piece was probably one my favorite ones that I have put together. I think I just channeled the time and energy it takes to write differently for that piece. It was like writing an essay for school, having to prepare by researching and drawing your own thoughts, and ideas from the pieces you’ve read. Except this time, I wasn’t getting docked 10% because I messed up the fucking APA Bibliography.
But, with all that being said, pretty fucking hard for me to comment on which posts of mine I like, and which I don’t like… I don’t think I have re-read one of them in their entirety with the exception of immediately after to hunt for double spelled words, missing words, the odd comma, or period. Though, till today, I’ve never really asked myself why I don’t re-read them… It’s never really struck me as a big deal, or a concern, if it even is. But, I talked about it this morning at my therapy session. Why don’t I read any of my blog entries days, months, and years after I write them? I think, in a nutshell… because, I am scared. I know I have read bits and pieces of certain ones, though never to finish. I just feel such a distant disconnect that I just can’t believe that I wrote that. And, not in the sense that, “wow, they’re so good.” But, in the sense that… I was really feeling like that? Is that how I feel, or was feeling? Fuck, that’s scary. When your in these deep, intense emotional phases, where I generally write, they’re just that, so deep, and so intense. It’s difficult to read things afterwards when I’m not in that state of mind. It’s hard to go back to that state, it’s hard to imagine it, hard to see it, and as a result can be hard to read the product of those deep, and intense emotional phases. When I have tried to read bits and pieces of my work, it’s been when I am typically feeling good, or… fine, if you will. Usually something will drive me back to a specific entry, perhaps a comment that I need to approve, and after reading the comment I go back and see where I was when I wrote something that struck with this person… But, I can never finish reading them. Ever. Or, perhaps, it’s someone sending me an email, text, bbm, facebook, tweet or instagram, (Did I miss any) mentioning something I said in a certain piece. I then retreat back to the entry to read bits of it so I can appropriately reply, I guess? But… I never finish reading it. I just reply… thanks. I just can’t read them. Part of me, as I write this… I want too. And, often times I think about writing a memoir, or putting all of these pieces together to build something else. I think about it every day. But, how the hell am I going to do that when I can’t even read the fucking things. I think that’s why I have completely stalled the shit out of that idea.
It’s a pretty weird, scary feeling to write what I do, and then several months later, visit it again only to get through a paragraph and have to stop reading because the disconnect between myself at that point, is such a drastic difference to myself at the point of writing. I know it’s me that wrote it. But, when you have to make a conscious effort to understand that 4 months afterwards, It’s…. fucked, It’s…. difficult. It’s not what I want. I know that my writing has had such a phenomenal effect on some people’s lives, and I am completely honored by that, I truly am. I feel so happy, and flattered that I can help others by sharing my own story. This is why it’s all the more difficult knowing I can’t even read my own posts, and revisit my own story. Www.Goneawayboys.wordpress.com is something I should be completely proud of… But, I can’t even read it myself. It’s… Sad.
This was just something that got brought up today during my weekly therapy session, and I thought it was intriguing. My therapist had asked me a question about the subliminal messages I sometimes write. She had asked for a specific example, and though I’ve written 28 blog entries, maybe more. I couldn’t provide one example. Just said… I don’t really know, I’ve never read them. I write it, I look for glaring grammatical errors shortly after, and I don’t even look at it for, well, forever again. I’m scared too. I bury it. HOW IRONIC?
A few weeks ago I was faced with a challenge. In August of 2012, I had put together a blog entry about my experience with psychic Patricia Monna at Our Angels for Our Wellbeing, and how positive it was. I’ve never ever gone back to read “We Carry On… Like it’s easy, a better happier.” Then one morning, about 10 days ago, I recieved a comment from Patricia reaching out to me, fourteen months after I had wrote that entry, saying that she had a message from Jen. I had no idea what to think. I approved the comment. Put my phone down. Pretended that nothing had just happened. Having a terrible poker face, Amanda knew something was up. So, I showed her the comment. Her eyes welled up, and I began to feel a tad bit of emotion as well, and a tad bit that I did not want to encounter at that very moment. So I put my phone back down and didn’t look at the comment again. Fast-forward a few days, I had probably gone back to read the comment over 15-20 times, and twice tried to read the blog entry in which she commented on. The first time I hardly got past the fluff, and the second time, I went to the paragraph that I initially mentioned Patricia, and then attempted to skim the rest of it… Which, I couldn’t even do. Same result occurred. I shut it off, and put my phone down to just lay there like nothing happened. I guess if I lay there like nothing happened, maybe it will go away. No.
It took me a few days to gather the courage to contact Patricia and take her up on reaching out to me from Jen. I think I knew that I always was going to, even right after reading her comment the first time. I knew I’d call her eventually. But, it took me a few days to get to that point. I can even remember last week, when I had my phone in my hand and her number dialed, it took me… ahh, about an hour to touch call. I tried to just do something else at the moment, and hope that I’d maybe forget. I tried to think of what I’d say if she wanted to talk right then. Or, if she wanted to meet today. I wasn’t ready to meet. I was hardly ready to click call. A million thoughts ran through my head. I played every scenario. Fuck it. Call. Receptionist took a message for me. Hang up. PFEW. I don’t have to deal with that emotional monster today. I just had no idea what to expect. Patricia called me back later that evening and we set up an appointment for the next week. Once I got to chat with her on the phone about booking an appointment, I right away felt at ease, and felt comfortable. There is just a kind, gentle aura to her. One that just made me feel relaxed, and like this was going to be O.K., this was going to be a good thing. I wanted to listen to her.
I met with her this evening, and in the week preparing to meet with her from when we had spoke on the phone last, I think I felt everything from excited, to nervous, scared, happy, sad and everything in-between. It was a great experience, it was emotional, though I held it together much better than expected. She had told me so many things that she was just bang-on accurate about. It was crazy. Things that I know I need to do, I know I need to take care of, but I don’t. I “stall the shit” out of it. I’ve just been stuck.
One of the most painful things I experience every day since we lost Jen, is not being able to go to her to talk, not being able to go to her for direction. Jen was always a very intelligent, and wise person. I always looked up to her. If she listened to certain music, I listened to it. If she watched a certain movie, I watched it. Even if it were Steel Magnolias, fuck, Clueless was my favorite show! If she read a book, I wanted to read that book. If she had some new west coast lingo, I had some new west coast lingo. What Jen did, I wanted to do. I idolized her so much. Since she’s been gone, I know she is still here, there have been many, many instances where I can feel her presence, or something happens where I know Jen helped pull that miracle for me, or something stupid will happen, and I know it’s her playing a joke on me. Having some fun. I love those moments. Times where Mom and I will just look at each other , or sometimes it’s Amanda and I, and we’ll just laugh, look at each other and just say “Haha, Jen!”. It’s that special moment where things just seem to slow down, and stop for that very moment, you realize that even though you’re encountering some silly nuance, you enjoy it, because you can just feel Jen watching, laughing, happily… though at our expense. That’s fine.
I catch myself every day at least once a day, just saying “Please Jen, Please” “Help me, or, guide me through, or give me a sign. I feel stuck”. I’ve been saying the latter a lot the last 4-5 months. I feel stuck. Please Jen, give me a sign. And she does, and I know them at the exact time they happen… But for whatever reason, It’s sometimes difficult to get past the fact that I feel like I am communicating with her, and it’s such a special experience… I almost forget to listen to her signs.
After speaking with Patricia today, looking back, Jen’s been leaving me so many signs helping me out, trying to push me in a certain direction. The weird part is… Patricia pretty well told me the exact same thing I know now that Jen has been trying to tell me for the last few months. It was as if, Jen couldn’t stand watching me stuck like I have been, and I know she just thought, for fucksakes kid, if you won’t listen to me and figure out these signs, I’ll draw the damn things out for ya! Queue; Patricia. It sounds completely fucked, and you probably think I am absolutely crazy, drunk, high, or all. But I am neither… (Maybe a bit the former) But, I really believe this. Jen’s left me so many signs trying to guide me, little hints all over the place trying to push me along, just continuing to be my big sister, just from afar.
Patricia then comes out of nowhere and tells me she has a message from Jen. This, 14 months after I spoke to Patricia last, and at that was just one of many people she probably see’s throughout the day… Jen had got in touch with Patricia to kick me in the ass, and get me out of the mud. She’s right. I know she is. I never believed in this stuff before either, ever. I thought it was absolutely crazy. Nuts. But, the practices I used to try and help myself, before, well, they don’t fucking work. So, I needed to open my mind, and I am glad I did. Things have just become clearer in the last twenty-four hours for me. Beginning with my therapy session this morning when we struck a few clarity moments, to ending my evening talking to my sister, through Patricia.
Call it crazy. Call it stupid. Don’t believe it. Form your own opinions as you will. But it’s far too coincidental for it to be some stupid fake crap. But, if anyone that’s reading this is going through a tough time, and you just feel stuck… Book an hour with Patricia. Just go. It’s a different experience. I can’t really explain it, other than how I’ve wrote about it. But, It’s something I would strongly encourage. Especially, if you don’t believe in “that crap” … I didn’t either, but at some point you just get tired of doing the same old, and continually being just stuck. Time to try something different. Am I ever glad I did. As I challenge you to try something different, something out of your comfort zone. I am going to challenge myself to sit down and read what you read.
As always, Thank you for reading, even when I can’t read, it still means the absolute world to me that you can.
I hope that you enjoy, and somewhere in this… this massive pile of words, and sentences you find what you’re looking for.
Cher, I don’t want to do this anymore. And my buns, they don’t feel nothin’ like steel.
– B.A.C. –