Today… My heart feels a little heavier, my stomach feels a little more knotted, and today I’ll battle and push just a little harder.
Today, used to be the day I waited 364 other days for, I’d lose sleep week’s in advance anxiously awaiting today. I’d stay up late and shake the presents trying to guess what I got for Christmas; I’d stay up late just to try and hang with the adults, trying to be cool, as if they were the barometer of “cool” Today, I’d try do all I could to exhaust myself so tomorrow would come faster. Part of it, I am sure, and I hope is simply growing up, and the fact that I am not 11, or 12 anymore. But, the other part of it… Well, life has his own rhyme and reason, I just haven’t quite figure out what it is, just yet.
Today is Wednesday, December 25, 2013. That is all. I no longer anxiously await waking up today, I no longer rip down the stairs, I no longer subtly make as much noise as I can so my mom, and Jen get their asses out of bed so we can all be together, and open gifts. No. Today, I woke up at 8:23 am, rolled over, threw on jeans, a hoody and took out the dogs, then I made a coffee, heavily laced with Baileys as if it were going to knock me back out. It didn’t, so I proceeded to watch TSN. No need to subtly make as much noise as I can to wake the household anymore. It didn’t matter. Today, I woke up and it was Wednesday, December 25, 2013. That was all. I did nothing different than I did on Wednesday December 18th, or 11th, and I certainly won’t do much different on Tuesday, December 31st. Today, is just Wednesday.
Still, Today, fortunately I was able to spend all of today with the one’s I love, the one’s I go to sleep with at night, and the one’s I am lucky to wake up beside every morning. Amanda, Kona and our seasonal dog; Krimson. I wake up next to this trio every day, and I consider being one of the luckiest, today was no different just because of what today is supposed to be. I was still fortunate enough to have so many great friends and family who sent their best to me today, and wished me a Merry Christmas, knowingly, or unknowingly of today’s difficulty, the salutations were much appreciated. I was still fortunate enough to partake in the tradition of Christmas Day gifts, as Amanda and I exchanged gifts, hugs, and kisses, and it was special.
But today, our family remains split, and divided, we continue running, and hurting. In Edmonton, In Calgary, In Victoria, In Vegreville, In Mayerthorpe you will find us. We try our absolute damnedest to avoid today, to get around it, to ignore that today is Christmas Day. We try so hard to run from it, we convince ourselves it’s just Wednesday, December 25, 2013, or at the very least we do a damn good job of pretending. You eventually become so numb to it all, that faking it is no longer really faking it. It becomes real. We try so hard to run from it, that we separate ourselves, and we draw further from each other, further from each other, and further from ourselves.
There was no real effort on anyone’s behalf to get everyone together, and celebrate in a unified place today. I tried to justify 300 KMs as an excuse to why I couldn’t be with everyone. Before we moved to Mahogany it would take me a day and a half just to accumulate 300 KMs. But, today I couldn’t do it just to be with family. Deep down, I think I know I want to just try and replace this sorrow, and misery with a bit of normalcy, as much as we can, or at least as much as we ever will. The only way to probably do that is to be in one place, with everyone and relish Christmas Day, to just fucking do it. Even if we are forever without one, we are always going to be, but are we going to run forever? … Probably.
I do not mean to drag you down today if you are reading this in-between whatever it is you do on days like today, I do not mean to search for sympathy, and it certainly is not my intention to in any way steal Christmas spirits from you if you are reading. Merely, I am once again writing what I am completely incapable of speaking, and sharing verbally, to those who matter most. Though we likely are all feeling the exact same In Edmonton, In Calgary, In Victoria, In Vegreville and in Mayerthorpe, but we leave the elephant to dance in the room.
Though, if there is anything I can do… though, this may be cheesy, is I will tell you this, and hell do I ever mean it…. Just enjoy today. Celebrate, and be merry today, for what today is, and for what today is meant to be; Christmas Day. Do not take today, and the moments that come with it for granted, not for a single second. Enjoy it all. Soak it all in.
Stop for a second, look around and appreciate what’s around you, even if it is the in-laws, and cousins of their cousins. Wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, even if you just did, and even if it’s the forty-second time you’ve said “Merry Christmas” today. Mean it more than the last. Look around again, and tell them you love them, say thank you, and be sincere.
Hold your friends and family a little tighter when you hug them, laugh a little louder today, smile for a little bit longer today, even if it is black socks you just unwrapped out of that gigantic box that you thought for sure was a PS4. Don’t miss the point. The point is celebration, the point is togetherness, and the point is family. For one day, today will just be another day of the week for you, though I hope not for many, many decades, the fact is life can be unruly, cruel, and even more life is unknowing, it can change, it can change instantly, and drastically when you least expect it, and when you’re least prepared. So let today be very merry, and please, for sake of us who cannot share the same merriness and cheer anymore. For those of us who are just amidst their 51st Wednesday of the year, Please, and damnit do I mean it when I say this… Please, Enjoy the living hell out of today. Don’t let it just be Wednesday, December 25, 2013.
Let it be Christmas… Even if all you got was reindeer pyjamas and black socks. One day those might be all you have left from today.
God Bless you, Thank you so much for reading.
Merry Christmas, and please have one hell of a holiday.
Crazy to want this, even for a while.