What Makes You Happy?

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What Makes You Happy

 

I haven’t written in a long time, part of me felt like it was maybe because I’ve been doing better. I haven’t been feeling as depressed. My life had seemingly come together, even if just the slightest. I always told myself that when hockey ended, I was going to become an author, a literary wizard; I was going to write every day now that I had a bit more time. Well, hockey’s been over for about six weeks, and I am just starting to write at 10:56PM Easter Sunday.

Sure, I’ve been busy with things in the meantime, but if anyone knows me, busy, is not an excuse. If you want something bad enough, you’ll find the means to do it. Busy doesn’t exist in my world. It’s not because I don’t ever do anything, in fact, that’s probably quite the opposite. I probably have more going on than most folk. Actually, I could almost guarantee that. I just don’t feel the need to let everyone know how I preoccupied I am. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. It makes me sick when people say they are too busy.

Why? I remember years ago, my sister tried to chat with me through Facebook, through simple Internet chat… and, I recall looking at the messages, the message read something along the lines of hey, call me when you got some time, want to know how college is going. I looked at it, thought, meh; I’ll call her later… I am busy. I never called her. And, I don’t know if I ever talked to her again. She committed suicide a couple of months after, and I’ve never been too busy since.   So when people tell me, they are too busy. It doesn’t sit well. At all.

So, to say that I haven’t been writing, because I have been doing well, or because I have been doing poorly… I don’t even know the answer. Sometimes life has a tendency to just happen, and just leave me trapped in the motions that I just can’t comprehend the appropriate emotions, and feelings.

I know that writing provides me with the single most joyous experiences of my life. So, you would think it’s easier to do so. But… for some reason, it’s been getting more difficult, and for the first time, I feel like my writing is actually good. In the past, all I did was write about how I felt. That’s it. There was no scientific method to it; there was no English specialty behind it. Simply, just how I felt. I have such a difficult time re-reading my pieces, for a variety of reasons… mainly because I feel such a huge disconnect with the person who wrote that very piece, but also because… I think it’s shit. I looked earlier, and I have posted 47 entries to GAB. This being 48. I can honestly say that 1 was of quality, Your Move Chief. So, as much gratification as writing brings me… I don’t know if it’s from the actual writing, or the feedback. As pathetic as this may be, I seek so much approval, and accreditation, from… whomever, predominantly from my mom, and from my fiancé…. It’s pathetic, if I don’t hear anything within a day or so, I am texting those two asking what they thought… It drives me crazy that I do this. But… I do. And, I can probably recap every single compliment, or piece of positive feedback I have received from my blog. There is truly nothing, and I mean NOTHING more gratifying than when I hear about people who have read my blog, and find comfort from reading. Whether, I know them or not. I spend so much time wanting to write, then I spend such little time actually writing, and I conclude with spending even more time looking for approval on my writing. From, my family… my fiancé… my best friends… my friends… strangers… When, I receive this, it’s pure happiness. Joy. Elation. You know that feeling where you just can’t wipe that smile off your face. This is the only time I’ll feel it. So you’d think I’d write more, with this being the case. But, truth is… I think I have become a bit scared. My unrelenting life standards have once again trapped me with failure. Where, I need simple accolades. However, that’s slowed down significantly. I don’t know if it’s because my writing has gotten stale, or the content has. Or maybe, I am just without the random viewers from Europe. Or, perhaps, the people who have already graciously patted my back don’t feel like they need to tell me good job every single fucking time. Though they shouldn’t. However, I feel like, unless I get that… I am failing. I want to know what every single person thinks of my writing, even if they think it’s complete crap. I just want to know… because; I think it is too, I can’t even find myself appreciative, and satisfied with my own work.

So, in getting to the point of this entry… the great folks at Mind Your Mind proposed the question, what makes you happy? I thought about it for a long, long time. There are so many things that I enjoy, so many. But, to label them as something that makes me completely happy would likely be false. I think at any point, doing makes me happy. Regardless, of what it is that I am doing. I think sometimes you can find temporary joy in that, and I do. But, I tried to really think of something that makes me truly happy. True joy. I almost couldn’t think of anything, till I thought about writing, then I thought about all of the positive feedback I have received over the two years, and the people I have been able to help, if even just to help them temporarily. This has brought me pure joy, and continues to do so. It’s the only thing that allows me to feel self-pride, and self worth. Regardless, of the success I have at work, or in coaching sports, or my daily life even. I always seem to be stuck wanting more, and eventually get a place where good just isn’t good enough. But, with writing, that’s different. Even, if I receive two notes about my latest post, to me it was a success, and it provides that feeling. That feeling where I can’t stop but smiling, even if it’s a random stranger at an arena that says, “hey, you’re the guy that writes that mental health blog” … Yes, I guess so. These are the things that keep me ticking, and continue to remind me just what it is to feel joy, and to feel good.

You just hope that somehow you can find a way to enjoy, accept and appreciate your own bravery and work. Sometimes there is just far too much pressure on writing purely for the audience, and hoping to help them find joy, and hope. I need to find my own first.

Rest easy, and rest happily Max. I hope you can still find some time to read my blog, and I hope that you’ve found true joy.   I know you and Jen are hanging out as we speak. Listening to music, watching over us, and laughing at us.

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Lighter Side of GAB / Hilarious Avenues to GoneAwayBoys.

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I’ve always been intrigued by the stats section wordpress makes available to it’s bloggers. I can find information on how many views my blog, or posts receive, where readers are from, clicks, and my favorite stat of well…. Search Engine Terms.

Here I come across some of the weirdest, creepiest, scariest, funniest searches that people type in where they ultimately land on my page, and I use those adjectives as strongly as I possibly can. I’ve always thought to share some of these searches, the funny ones of course, which would be a dramatic change of pace from most of my entries, but I have never gotten around to it. Well, before google encrypts all users google search so that this entire section becomes null.

I don’t know what search engine these people are using, but I think there is real comic gold to be had in other peoples search history. Mine, probably not so much. Thankfully Mozilla has the Incognito Window bandit that I utilize often, but some of these things people are searching…. Well, I can’t even fathom.

Get ready for this one! – I will share with you my top 28, some are downright hilarious, odd, and some are extremely disturbing! And these are just the ones I am comfortable writing knowing some of the audience reading this blog.

Here we go!

1.  I got lots of beer in vegreville lets fuck

  • How the hell does this take someone to my blog that’s about my life against mental illness.
  • When this person searched this, what were they looking for??…
  • I really hope this wasn’t one of my buddies

2. How to fuck movie health education

  • Again, how does this lead someone to my site, and what the heck was this person hoping they’d find.
  • This person’s parents reaaaallly dropped the ball.

3. acaramelpuss.com

  • Ok… I have to be honest, after seeing this one and thinking WTF. I went directly to my friend bandit in incognito window, and typed this into the url address. Don’t judge. It could have very well been one of those secret menu drinks at Starbucks. …. no? 
  • You just typed it in too…  

4. Nen Shi Ran

  • Who?

5. Good reasons to listen to garth brooks

  • Seriously? This is probably the same person as #2.

 

 


 

*** This next one is a little disturbing, but it’s a real wtf head scratcher.


6. my neigbour shot 3of my golden retrievers @ night killing my female, while I was down my driveway calling them, in alberta

  • What kind of neighbor do you have lou? Maybe call the police instead of searching your story on google…

7. Naheed Fucking

  • This is disgusting. Who in the eff is googling a porn of our mayor? I assume that’s what this is, anyways. Redford. Pig.

8. did lane frost have an impact on the pbr

  • Lane Frost is a hero. Of course he did.

9. brother fuck 4.5.7year old girl fuck.com

  • I am disturbed that this even somehow led someone to my blog, and I hope they’ve dramatically changed their lives since. This is disgusting on so many levels.  

10. nenshi annoying

  • Apparently the person looking for him fucking couldn’t find that mayoral porn,  and just got fed up. Ugh Nenshi!

11. not sure who this girl bell is and why everyone wants to talk to her #bellletstalk

  • … Ugh, Seriously? 

12. that moment when your sister makes hot chocolate

  • That’s a moment?

13. talk to sluts for free in Calgary

  • HOW DOES SOMEONE LAND ON MY PAGE AFTER SEARCHING THIS SHIT!!!@!@!!!
  • Anyway…  Head to the back alley buddy.  Good luck! 

14. delcam powershape hell grading

  • What?

15. my sisters hot pajama

  • Again. What? That hot chocolate moment?? 

16. if you get cut from the echl should you give up

  • No, but if you’re googling this.. you should get off the internet.

17. how to make bcmml 

  • I don’t think making a midget aaa team is something you can really do on WikiHow.

18. don’t judge me yolo underage

  • too late kid

19. mental health issues of children growing up in 4000 square foot homes

  • I can just see the snobby mom googling this one. Her kid struggles from depression BECAUSE their home is 4000 SQ ft. Not 3580 SQ ft. AND, his treatment, therapy, and everything else will be completely different that those of us who grew up in a 2600 SQ Ft home. Mental health is now being measured by the square footage of where you grew up. You Jackass.

20. pajama hot sister

  • Ok.  This guy is weird already.  ‘Muricans.  

21. Edson slo pitch sex

  • Haha. Ah. Another beaut. Don’t even know where to go with this one.  The possibilities are endless. 

22. xxx much faking com

  • this persons first time on a computer looking for titties I’d say.

23. fuckingfeelsgood

  • What does? … Wait … What? … Ohhhhhh

24. as long as your nasty as a mother fucker

  • And then what? Who googles this, what are they hoping the results are!!!

25. fucked guy vegreville

  • Ahhh, again… the possibilites!! 

26. myfight fuckeng

  • what?

27. nasty moms we would like to fuck

  • I probably shouldn’t have shared this one, but again wtf. Learn how to filter categories on your porn sites buddy.

28. blowjob on Christmas day Calgary

  • Either atta boy! Or…. Shame on you if you’re looking for a specific business.

 

There you have it! The top 28 hilarious, most WTF search terms people have used that somehow eventually landed them on my site. Some search engines won’t reveal search engine terms, so they come up unknown on wordpress, and there are 296 unknown terms… So I can just imagine all of the further beauty in that list of nearly 300.

Now let’s get serious… Though I’ve listed the top 28 funny search terms, there are some that are just pretty odd, and some very disturbing, as I’ve shared a few. There are some that make you just want to throw up, some that make you want to cry in disbelief, some that just complete shock me, and others I just have no words for, and am ashamed I live in the same planet as the person who typed that thought in.   Then,  the majority are just lots of people just searching me, my sisters name, my parents name, my brothers name… These ones kinda freak me out, but I can only assume the goal of these searches is to land where they do, unlike the goals of our top 28 here. Hopefully when they landed, they stayed awhile.

Lets hope google never privatizes all search information, cause I seriously enjoy this part of wordpress stats, and if you are the one looking for mayoral porn, or whatever weird thing… I still appreciate you visiting goneawayboys! 

I’m off to Caaallli! 

Cheers.  

B

The NHL Lockout; Robbing Our Dreams.

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I have decided to take a few steps in a different direction for this entry.  Hockey is my ultimate passion. It’s something I have loved since I remember seeing the Bruins roller hockey goalie pick a puck out of the corner and through a meat lover up to some oiler who probably sniped.  I think I was 4? Maybe.  I don’t know.  We must have just been flipping through the TV from watching the PBR, or watching 8 seconds. Again. Lane Frost was my hero. My dad was a bullrider back then in the day, so to me, the coolest thing at the time was rodeos.  Till he showed me hockey.

Fast-forward 19 years.  I’ve spent 19 years playing hockey in any way shape or form you can imagine.  In my driveway with a mini stick when I was 5; in our gravel driveway on some small street in Mayerthorpe albeit.   I used to go outside with my mini sticks and a tennis ball and pretend I was both the Ottawa Senators & the Mighty Ducks. I have no idea why those 2 teams.  Anyway. I was both of them in my driveway hockey. And, I’d also be the commentator.  Picture this.  Small-cowboy town Mayerthorpe, AB, here is this pudgy 4 foot zip five year old basically running line touches in a muddy driveway with a mini stick in his hand while yelling to himself “He shoots! Oh no! What a save!” Then, the odd time, I’d think I was Guy Hebert and I’d get on my knees, in the dirt and somehow shoot the ball at myself and make a huge save.  Sometimes I scored on myself though. Hated when that happened.  But, seriously. Picture this.  If I saw something like that now, I’d probably think.. man, does this kid have parents ? Cause they have a handful… or, maybe not.  It’d be pretty cool to see someone love the game that much that young.  So, yes. I found way to play hockey in any way shape or form. Table hockey, mini hockey In the basement, kitchen, tub, bathroom, living room, front lawn, back lawn.  Wherever!  Then, as I grew up and finally learned how to skate (still learning) I played on the ice. Finally. While, continuing to play everywhere else too. Pond, street, back yards.  My buddies and I used to go over to his place and we’d have 2 on 2 tourneys on the grass. Chris would go in net cause he was too good to play out, and frankly, he was too good to play goal too.  But, we’d start this tournament at 4pm after school, and we’d play until either the cup was won, or my mom called asking me if I forgot where I lived.  I think we started these tournaments when we were 13 or so, and we played them up until a few years ago. We just got too big, slow, and out of shape to keep playing. And Chris continued to just get way too good. But, we’d play under the lights, we’d keep score, have legit round robs, and have leading scorers.  Man, what a time.  And if I didn’t win. I’d get some pouty.  But, not as pouty as our buddy Brett would get.  I think that’s why we went on the same team most of the time, cause otherwise we’d fight each other.  And, still we bickered back and forth about who wasn’t pulling their weight.  Some of these grass hockey games got so intense that there would eventually be bodies flying, I can remember it got pretty nasty one time, and a buddy took a run at another guy, who turtled, and sent the one guy flying.  Well, I can’t remember who it was. Evan maybe? But, he certainly didn’t forget that hit; later in the playoffs he caught him against the boards (the fence) and put him right through the fence.  Knocked the planks right out. Then about 8 of us, who were enjoying our game off and resting up, instantly began howling. Here a buddy just drilled another guy through his fence.  You’d think we’d be like “holy shit!” and concerned… Nope. We started howling and carried on play as soon as buddy got up. And, off we went.  It was a battle. It was probably playoffs.

Man, did we ever have some fun back then.  Looking back, I miss those days so much.  Sitting through science 10 waiting to get to chris’ place and help him clean the ice (mow the grass) so that we had the best playing surface. Haha… who am I kidding.  He cut the grass, I sat there and taped my stick and drew up the tourney board.  To this day, I think I am the all time leading grass hockey scorer.

Hockey is something that has had a serious impact on my life. My life, my buddies lives. Everywhere its hockey. This is a game we grew up on, and invested so many hours upon. That’s why this lockout has been such a disappointment for me.  I haven’t said much about it. Im not angry with either the players, or owners. Really. Frankly, I don’t think the owners have the nuts to speak for themselves so they bow down to pigeons like Bettman.  Who, I am angry with. But, all in all, I am just disappointed.  As a fan, I just feel like after investing all this time into this game, I have been given the ultimate fuck you by the man who ultimately runs the show. Unfortunately.

I think being disappointed is almost a worse feeling anyways.  I just feel bad for so many people.  I don’t feel bad for any of the owners, I don’t feel bad for some of the NHL players either.  At least, not the one who are pocketing millions.  The lesser of the NHLers who are now “out of a job” instead of “out of a season” Them, I feel horrible for.  The guys that have to grind to keep their job. The stars, although, I certainly appreciate their skills and talents, and by no means do I fault them.  But, they are making millions of dollars playing a game in front of thousands that I used to play by myself in the mud with a plastic stick that was half my height.  While I yelled to myself in the process.  So, no.  I don’t have any sympathy for you either.

I feel sorry for the kids who are just playing the game because they love it. They aren’t making a big pay cheque, they are playing the game for one reason.. Because they God Damn love it, and are good enough, and have worked hard enough to play the game at a high level.  Although, they may never make the NHL, and might play in central league, the east coast, or wherever else forever, and make minimal money doing it, living in a shitty town. But, they do it cause they love it.  I feel awful for these guys because now they are going to lose their jobs, they are going to be robbed of there dreams because, ultimately, Bettman needs more money.  So, some guy in the ECHL is going to have to give up his dream.  Playing hockey.  Because of the domino effect of NHL players going to the AHL à AHL players then go to the ECHL à ECHL players then go….  I feel horrible for these folk.

I feel terrible for the kids growing up on hockey like I used too, that want so much to learn to the game, and be apart of hockeys future, they are being robbed of a season, an opportunity to learn about something great. The greatest game.

I feel terrible for those guys who put on there steel toes and head to work at the crack of the dawn, and spend weeks away from there family and friends in the middle of nowhere working harder than anyone should.  And, all they can look forward too is coming home and watching HNIC with there kids, or heading to the pub with some buddies for some wings and a beer and a chance to shoot the shit while they watch there team.  I feel bad for these guys.  They don’t deserve this.

I feel terrible for the young kids, adults who have jobs at NHL facilities shitty jobs like being an usher, or a concession attendant, a beer boy, hell, even the cheerleaders.  They are likely working to pay for some tuition, or some stupid textbook, or, to even just get by on the 12.50 an hour they may get.  Now, they too are jobless.

I feel terrible for some of the families of these players.  The players are left to move somewhere overseas to play hockey, and take away the job of some other kid. Meanwhile, the wife, and the youngsters are left somewhere in North America while the husband, father is away at work.  And after the tragedy that happened last year in Russia.  This I think must be even more difficult for families as per usual.  As per usual.  That’s terrible.  We can already refer to an action during a lockout as “as per usual” because this is the third damn time Bettman has taken this away.

Hockey is a passion for a tonne of people including myself, but its more than that, it too, is a job, and more than anything, it can be a dream for so many kids, and a dream that some people are fortunate enough to live.  And the NHL/NHLPA has no problem taking that away from some of us.

Thanks Gary.

Do the right thing.

– Blair.