Fun & Active – Someone with depressions dream

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Up again, down again, out of your head.

Happy friday kids!

I’m happy to be back here writing. I gotta get some consistency going again.  I went to the Edson Slo-Pitch tournament last weekend with the boys.  And, if you have ever been to Edson, you’ll understand quite quickly why it took me so long to get it going again.  We left Edson monday at about 9 am. It took me till yesterday at noon till get back to feeling normal.  Whatever normal is for me.  But, physically, you know.

Edson Slo-Pitch is this massive tournament of 270+ teams.  Goes Fri-Mon – We usually show up thurs night to get the extra night in.  But, you camp in a field where your neighbours are maybe 6 inches to your other side. Its tight. We have a big 13 man tent where we throw about 8 of us to pass out.  Its quite funnny too see actually.  Just an assembly line of bodies.  Then, once you’ve gone to bed at probably 5 am after going to the “Hangar” (absolutely massive beer gardens) You’re up at 730 am to play ball, or to listen to everyone else getting up to play. And once you’re up. You’re up. Its hot out. And there’s 200 cold bud lights ready for work. so its on. Early.

Its easily the best weekend of the year, but its easily the biggest challenge, physically.  You have to be prepared for the toll you’re body takes.  And, like I said. Just now I am getting straightened away. Anyway, If you ever have the chance.  Check Edson out. Its a blast.

I am going to try something slightly different today, a little different pace.  After a pretty chill day at work today, came home, made myself a nice dinner; salmon and potatoes…. Unreal right!   But, I cheat. Big time. I bought salmon from Superstore that is already flavored, and already on the plank. So you throw it on the BBQ.  Haha. And potatoes, We got this “potatoe mitt” from Hawaii.  It looks like an oven mitt basically, and you cut little holes in your tate’s and then chuck them in this “mitt” throw it in the microwave and nuke the little suckers for about 7 minutes. So, no, my salmon dinner wasn’t amazing as you first thought. Haha, but for my standards. It was unreal.

I can’t cook worth a shit. literally. I can not cook. On the other hand, I have never really made a completely honest effort out of it either. I just don’t have the patience to do it. And, I think explaining the meal I just had today is evidence to that.  Whatever. I took the stuff out of the fridge/freezer and 20 minutes later was dummying it.  So take your extra half hour for a little more authenticity. Nah. I’ll take the extra half hour I saved, and write in my blog!

Next thing will be paper plates at home. Not kidding. Frig, I hate emptying that damn dishwasher.  I used to run it about 2 or 3 times before I’d empty it, and I’d make sure I ran it the second time when I knew I wasn’t going to be home for awhile, so depending on where I lived. My parents, roommates or girlfriend would do it.  Haha. If this is any of the people I listed that are reading this. You’re going Ah Ha! You little bastard.  The rest of you are thinking, wow.  Genius. And you’ll do it this week. Guaranteed.  But, be stealth.

Next thing I did today was rip over to buddies and grab my xbox controllers and the tiger woods game.  I thought I would do some gaming today, and buddies gone for the weekend so might as well get my stuff back and its the last night of me living bachelor life as the old lady gets home tomorrow.  But, on my way over there, I saw all these people riding there bikes with families, friends, etc and it just looked awesome. Smiles as wide as the street these kids had, parents too.  “Fun & active”.  A kid with depressions dream.  So, once I went to buddies, grabbed my gaming gear and headed home, I saw more of the same. Fun & Active. A depressive kids dream. And more of it. And as I got back into my community. More of it. Fun & Active. A depressive kids dream.  I parked underground, went upstairs, threw the stuff on the coffee table, and thought.. you know what.  No.  I’m not doing this. As much as I enjoy gaming, and so too does everyone. It’s different for me. It’s an avoidance mechanism.  Some people that struggle with depression, sleep all the time, some drink, do drugs, or whatever. Me, I game. And, I don’t even really enjoy it. I feel like such a slob after doing it and not having moved except to grab chips, or a beer. It’s fun gaming with buddies and stuff, that’s different.  But, for me to lay into 10 rounds of PGA Tour, not move, not talk to anyone. It’s me avoiding my problems. Sounds crazy. But that’s what I’d do. Sure, I could be doing worse things, like sleeping, drinking, having sex a million times, partying, whatever the hell else you can do so excessively its damaging, which pretty well anything. But, its the concept of it. I do it to avoid things, and not have to face reality.  Thus, in my self-realization week not long ago, around the birth of this blog. I promised not to do that to myself anymore.

BACK TO THE STORY.  I looked on the deck, and saw this beautiful red “Specialized RockHopper Comp” mountain bike I purchased about 2 months ago…  for a thousand dollars. Yikes.  The first 10 days I had that bike, I rode it 15 times. I felt unreal. Fun & Active. I was doing it. Living the dream. Then, I just stopped for 6 weeks. I think part of it was work got busy, but a lot of it was me making excuses for myself, “ohh im tired” and I’d game, or do whatever and just feel shitty and be down.  So today. I saw that thing, and said fuck it.  I am doing what those kids were doing that I saw on my way. But, its more than just ripping a bike for me. for anyone that knows how I feel.  I truly think it was Jen saying to me.. Hey kid, heres a test. I know what you’re doing, but look what you could be doing.  Do the right thing.  Make yourself better.  Depressed & Lazy V. Fun & Active.  I really think it was her kicking me in the ass again. So I proceeded to take the old Ferrari for a spin.  Thew on the iPod and just went.  And, what an enjoyable time.  For any of you that struggle with depression, you know that being active is one of the most important things for us.  It’s great for the mind, and body just to try and have an active lifestyle.  But, at the same time, when you’re struggling with depression.  It’s so hard to get yourself to do these “active lifestyle” things.  You always feel like the tank is empty, you have no energy. None. So you really have to work yourself up to do things sometimes, and I think that’s when you get yourself in trouble, and it makes it all the more difficult to enjoy it.  You’ve worked yourself up so much to go for a run, or play football, bike ride, whatever it is.  That when its over, its like “meh whatever, wasn’t great” and you won’t do it again, cause it took so much of you to just find some energy.

Well, I am trying to change that for myself. Trying damn hard.  I live in probably one of the most beautiful communities in the entire city of Calgary in Discovery Ridge.  Hell, nevermind. One of the most beautiful in Alberta I’d say….   Wait, well, If its one of the most beautiful in Calgary, clearly it is in Alberta cause I can’t imagine much better in Edmonton, Ft. Mac, GP, Lethbridge… Etc.  (kidding edmonton friends, that was for you)  But, seriously.  There’s so much greenery, parks, and trails, and just seemingly happy folk. If anyone has ever been through Discovery Ridge. You know what I am talking about.  It’s unbelievable here.

Right behind our house is Griffith Woods Park, which is astounding, filled with multiple bike/walking trails weaving through the woods, with little creeks and running waters.  It’s gorgeous. Have I said that yet ?  So going for a bike ride in this place is truly breathtaking, and it speaks to the shape I was in to not be able to go for a bike ride for 6 weeks. Cause, I didn’t touch that bike once in 6 weeks. When you’re struggling with depression, it’s just hard to do these things. so hard.

Off I went through discovery ridge on my Ferrari, through Griffith woods, which, sometimes can be quite frightening.  There’s so many people walking, running, biking, rollerblading, whatever through there and the paths aren’t highway sized paved roads, through these trees, if even paved. There are a lot of sharp, immediate corners that you need to be careful about.  So that proposes one hazard, before you run someone over.

Second hazard, is there are cougars everywhere, all the time… Yes, even the fuzzy cat-like kind.  So you have to watch for both of those!  Today I was riding, and in the woods ahead, I saw the golden thing, and of course, I am always thinking I am gonna see a cougar…(cat kind) so here’s this golden figure, I see. But, I am far away, so for all I know it could be a broken off tree base.  I get closer, the fucking thing moves! OMG I am shitting myself. I have finally seen this damn cougar! I instantly hammer the brakes, look for my phone… too take a picture haha.  realize, shit I left my phone at the condo.  No one is gonna believe this!  So I said screw it. I am gonna fly by this thing. I gotta see it.  So, I zoom by…….  It’s some damn golden retriever playing fetch with his/her owner.  Are you kidding me.  My heart is racing 9,000,000 beats per minute for Air Bud?  Come on.  One day, I will see the cougar.

Anyways.  It was nice to get out and enjoy the fresh air, and be active again.  The last 7 weeks I have been so up and down.  And when I was down, boy was I down.  But, now I am starting to feel better, and I think today was evidence of that.  I took the ferrari out, and enjoyed myself. I was able to enjoy “Fun & Active“, and like I said, that’s a mental heath-struggling kids dream.  And, even if it were something as simple as a hour long bike ride.  when you struggle with your brain like I do, and lot more of us.  You’ll understand.  Thats a lot. Its part of this start to “better-hood”

Tonight… Was a good night.

Thank you everyone!

Hope you enjoyed this read. I know it was a little different, and I hope you still read its entirety and had some smiles. And, if you’re ever through discovery ridge, let me know and we’ll go for one of those serene bike rides and hunt these cougars.  Either kind!

-Have a good weekend folks

Blair

“Ain’t it good to be back home” MG