What Makes You Happy?

What Makes You Happy

 

I haven’t written in a long time, part of me felt like it was maybe because I’ve been doing better. I haven’t been feeling as depressed. My life had seemingly come together, even if just the slightest. I always told myself that when hockey ended, I was going to become an author, a literary wizard; I was going to write every day now that I had a bit more time. Well, hockey’s been over for about six weeks, and I am just starting to write at 10:56PM Easter Sunday.

Sure, I’ve been busy with things in the meantime, but if anyone knows me, busy, is not an excuse. If you want something bad enough, you’ll find the means to do it. Busy doesn’t exist in my world. It’s not because I don’t ever do anything, in fact, that’s probably quite the opposite. I probably have more going on than most folk. Actually, I could almost guarantee that. I just don’t feel the need to let everyone know how I preoccupied I am. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. It makes me sick when people say they are too busy.

Why? I remember years ago, my sister tried to chat with me through Facebook, through simple Internet chat… and, I recall looking at the messages, the message read something along the lines of hey, call me when you got some time, want to know how college is going. I looked at it, thought, meh; I’ll call her later… I am busy. I never called her. And, I don’t know if I ever talked to her again. She committed suicide a couple of months after, and I’ve never been too busy since.   So when people tell me, they are too busy. It doesn’t sit well. At all.

So, to say that I haven’t been writing, because I have been doing well, or because I have been doing poorly… I don’t even know the answer. Sometimes life has a tendency to just happen, and just leave me trapped in the motions that I just can’t comprehend the appropriate emotions, and feelings.

I know that writing provides me with the single most joyous experiences of my life. So, you would think it’s easier to do so. But… for some reason, it’s been getting more difficult, and for the first time, I feel like my writing is actually good. In the past, all I did was write about how I felt. That’s it. There was no scientific method to it; there was no English specialty behind it. Simply, just how I felt. I have such a difficult time re-reading my pieces, for a variety of reasons… mainly because I feel such a huge disconnect with the person who wrote that very piece, but also because… I think it’s shit. I looked earlier, and I have posted 47 entries to GAB. This being 48. I can honestly say that 1 was of quality, Your Move Chief. So, as much gratification as writing brings me… I don’t know if it’s from the actual writing, or the feedback. As pathetic as this may be, I seek so much approval, and accreditation, from… whomever, predominantly from my mom, and from my fiancé…. It’s pathetic, if I don’t hear anything within a day or so, I am texting those two asking what they thought… It drives me crazy that I do this. But… I do. And, I can probably recap every single compliment, or piece of positive feedback I have received from my blog. There is truly nothing, and I mean NOTHING more gratifying than when I hear about people who have read my blog, and find comfort from reading. Whether, I know them or not. I spend so much time wanting to write, then I spend such little time actually writing, and I conclude with spending even more time looking for approval on my writing. From, my family… my fiancé… my best friends… my friends… strangers… When, I receive this, it’s pure happiness. Joy. Elation. You know that feeling where you just can’t wipe that smile off your face. This is the only time I’ll feel it. So you’d think I’d write more, with this being the case. But, truth is… I think I have become a bit scared. My unrelenting life standards have once again trapped me with failure. Where, I need simple accolades. However, that’s slowed down significantly. I don’t know if it’s because my writing has gotten stale, or the content has. Or maybe, I am just without the random viewers from Europe. Or, perhaps, the people who have already graciously patted my back don’t feel like they need to tell me good job every single fucking time. Though they shouldn’t. However, I feel like, unless I get that… I am failing. I want to know what every single person thinks of my writing, even if they think it’s complete crap. I just want to know… because; I think it is too, I can’t even find myself appreciative, and satisfied with my own work.

So, in getting to the point of this entry… the great folks at Mind Your Mind proposed the question, what makes you happy? I thought about it for a long, long time. There are so many things that I enjoy, so many. But, to label them as something that makes me completely happy would likely be false. I think at any point, doing makes me happy. Regardless, of what it is that I am doing. I think sometimes you can find temporary joy in that, and I do. But, I tried to really think of something that makes me truly happy. True joy. I almost couldn’t think of anything, till I thought about writing, then I thought about all of the positive feedback I have received over the two years, and the people I have been able to help, if even just to help them temporarily. This has brought me pure joy, and continues to do so. It’s the only thing that allows me to feel self-pride, and self worth. Regardless, of the success I have at work, or in coaching sports, or my daily life even. I always seem to be stuck wanting more, and eventually get a place where good just isn’t good enough. But, with writing, that’s different. Even, if I receive two notes about my latest post, to me it was a success, and it provides that feeling. That feeling where I can’t stop but smiling, even if it’s a random stranger at an arena that says, “hey, you’re the guy that writes that mental health blog” … Yes, I guess so. These are the things that keep me ticking, and continue to remind me just what it is to feel joy, and to feel good.

You just hope that somehow you can find a way to enjoy, accept and appreciate your own bravery and work. Sometimes there is just far too much pressure on writing purely for the audience, and hoping to help them find joy, and hope. I need to find my own first.

Rest easy, and rest happily Max. I hope you can still find some time to read my blog, and I hope that you’ve found true joy.   I know you and Jen are hanging out as we speak. Listening to music, watching over us, and laughing at us.

B 

Fighting to Survive the Gaps in Mental Health Services

Last week, I teamed up with a mental health awareness program out of London, Ontario to provide some writing material.  Each week I will be contributing to Mind Your Mind on different topics regarding mental health.  My first article with Mind Your Mind was regarding the gaps that are found in mental health services, and the challenges that come with them.  Below is the article, please read, please enjoy, and if you’ve had a similar experience… Let me know!

Keep following along with Mind Your Mind, as they have some excellent writers on board, and have plenty of other unique things going on!

My first article with Mind Your Mind – Click Below!!!

Fighting to Survive the Gaps in Mental Health Services – Blair Courchene

Hope you enjoy, as always, thank you so much for reading.

Well, Lets get started

Thank you for reading my blog!  (if anyone really is)

My first “real” entry, I thought I would introduce myself a little bit, and mention the madness behind this blogging.

I’ve really always wanted to blog, I actually always wanted to enter journalism school, before I opted to move to Calgary and take sports business.  I often reflect on what would have been, had I gone the other route.  One thing is fore sure, as always was the case in school amongst my writings.  I am terrible with my mechanics!  But, I assure you my content will make up for any frustration my readings cause you.  My english teachers, (my lovely mother included) used to get so mad at me because I could write a nobel prize (not really) but I didn’t know where that damn semi colon went;  still dont.

Anyway, Enough.  My name is Blair Courchene.  I am a recent graduate of mount royal university.  I am a hockey fan.  A hockey coach. I love the game. I love sports.  I am dating a beautiful woman, so that I hope one day I have the pleasure of wedding. We share an amazing dog together, Kona. He’s beyond the best. So don’t tell me your dog rules.

My family, is crucial to me.  There is no one in the world that inspires me more.  Despite my fascination for Sidney Crosby.  My mom is role model, she is my best friend. I admire her, her strength, resiliency.  She is the only person, that I can truly talk too, and trust.  She has been through more, and overcame more than anyone deserves, and she continues to come out stronger and stronger each time.

My Dad, is just an absolute beautician. Wow.  Guys a legend, I too, admire his strength. Anyone that rode bulls. You have to hand it to them.

I have a pair of younger brothers, Kyle & Brody.  Kyle is a U of A science student, and an aspiring doctor.  Wait, No.  A doctor in the making.  Smartest guy I know.  He too, I admire tremendously for his strength and dedication.  He is an awesome kid.  Despite, his wretched taste in music, and having the “sherwood park attitude”

Brody, is the youngest of my Bro’s at 13.  Him and I are totally different, but I think its the best that way.  He has taught me so much about things I had zero clue about.  Hunting, Fishing… You know, Man stuff.  He is a hilarious kid, that too is real smart. What happened to me. He also, believe or not. Has been through more than any 13 year old needs to have gone through. Let alone a 63 year old.

My sister, unfortunately, a few years back lost her long battle with mental illness.  She is the motivation behind many of the things I try and accomplish. I miss her like you wouldn’t believe. And, I try and live each and every day for her with a smile on my face, and laugh as many times as I can because I knew that it wasn’t that easy for her.

Anywho. Moving on. That is a brief introduction of my family, and myself.  And more that I am generally comfortable saying. Which, in saying that.  Is becoming a partial motivator for this blog.  I want to talk. And, I will do so. I want to talk about mental illness, the struggles that I go through everyday waging that war, the struggles I have seen my family go through.  It has not been easy.  But, I try my damnedest to decimate the stigma of mental health.  But, I am one of the worst contributors to that stigma.  So, I have made a promise to myself after doing some self-realization, that – I am going to talk about it. And, I am going to talk about here, facebook, twitter, in daily conversation.  And, I’m sorry if you are offended by that.  But, if you are. Fuck you. You are the biggest problem to society, and this issue.

Thats enough for now!

As you can see. I get going, and talk about 10 things at once.  ADD? No way!

-Take Care